Thoughts on Bravery

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be brave. It started when I was sitting in a woman's circle on Monday evening (they have these things in Brooklyn) and we started talking about what each of us has accomplished year. The discussion's purpose was supposed to make us feel more accomplished, so that we wouldn't be plagued by imposter syndrome or that endless anxiety that comes when one feels they have failed to accomplish "enough".

I mentioned how I spent most of the last year trying to leave my job, and then finally succeeded at leaving my job in order to pursue a freelance career. It doesn't seem like much, but it elicited the response of "Wow, that is very brave!" from some of the participants. And I suppose I was able to acknowledge that it was, indeed, "brave", if one can consider the measures you take to get to air when you are drowning "brave".

Being in the wrong job can feel an awful lot like drowning. Even when the job is actually, by greater opinion, an excellent opportunity. Especially when it is considered extremely lucky that you found the job to begin with. But I suppose, if there was any bravery I exhibited in this action of leaving this great opportunity, it was only in listening to myself. 

Bravery comes in many forms. Sometimes it is listening to that little voice inside yourself. Sometimes it is ignoring said voice. Sometimes it is starting your own business, when everyone else says you are going to fail. Sometimes it is actually giving up the business and seeking regular employment. Sometimes it is deciding to have or adopt a child. Sometimes it is moving across the country. Sometimes it is more quintessential text book bravery, such as donning armor and joining a military. Sometimes it is merely speaking up for someone else when they are being bullied in public, or calling out ill behavior. Sometimes it is knowing when to stay silent. 

I'm continuing on my "brave" path for only one reason: because I feel I have no other choice. Some days I don't feel like I have enough to offer and those are bad days. I look at my CV and see all the holes instead of all the skills. I send it off to a million people and no one responds. This happens often. I look back at when I arrived in the city three years ago and lament all of the opportunities I had to give up in order to pursue the "great opportunity". I lament not having been able to keep working outside of a corporate job due to lack of financial resources. While some designers were able to fly by their pant-seats for a while and take those valuable no-pay opportunities in order to build reputation, I had to be very practical. Due to a plentitude of loans and a lack of outside financial assistance, I had to lily-pad hop from a bunch of different jobs in order to have enough funds to even journey to NYC. Don't get me wrong- I had a lot of opportunities, and a lot of luck, and I probably didn't understand the gravity of the opportunities originally given to me or make the most of them. But I did the best I could at the time.

The trick to the being brave at this point is choosing only to say, "Never mind all that. You have skills; you have several resumes full of skills. You have a experience and know-how and a good mind and if you are persistent and actively clear your mind to a single pinpoint of inspiration, you're going to succeed. You just need a bit of luck." 

I think a lot of people go through this, so while part of me feels embarrassed to admit these feelings, I hope that it helps someone else who's having the same sort of moments. I would certainly feel disingenuous to continually humble brag and merely build a "brand" around myself as a sort of great success story, especially when things aren't quite going that way. ("Building a brand" altogether seems to carry disingenuous connotation. I understand how and why it works, and why it is important in a way. But I guess I'm befuddled as to how everything I am and offer can fit inside of one brand, and how others are supposed to appreciate that brand, when it is a mixture of a lot of individual eccentricity.) I would rather play all of my cards as they are, let others see them and decide how they feel and only keep the ones that are quite okay with reading me as I am. 

So this journal is brave, and I am trying to be brave, and you are of course gorgeously brave for being here and for reading, and I hope if you've ever felt this way that this comforts you. If it doesn't and you rather feel like I'm wallowing in self pity, well that's okay too. It's your perrogative. I won't stop you. But I hope you try to understand.

Otherwise, I hope you have a brilliant and fulfilling day. And also, do something courageously brave for yourself. 

xo

JAM