To My True Friend
I wrote this the day I heard of the passing of my dear friend Matt Newton. I'll add a few more thoughts today, the day of his Celebration of Life.
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I heard the news last night that an ex of mine passed away. It sounds so distant, so casual, so disaffected to say it that way. What I mean to say is that someone I considered to be a friend, someone I loved, passed and I can't cope.
I'm supposed to be at work. I'm currently one of the few lucky enough to be employed by the beautiful, fickle Portland film industry. I'm surrounded by the "cream that rises", artists and artisans employed because they are the very best at what they do. Today, taking a seat among them, my hands sweat and shake, my stomach roils, my mind wanders. The me from now feels a complete stranger to the one who knew my friend. My body is in Oregon and my heart, thirteen years ago in North Carolina. I've nothing to do with these movie stars around me.
My heart is with him on a dark starry night on a ranch just outside of Greenville, where we spent a weekend watching horses and talking about alien conspiracies*. (*We messaged recently on Instagram, right around Christmas. I told you I was so incredibly proud of you for reaching for your dreams. I couldn't help but ask/joke if you'd found out more about the aliens since joining the Navy i.e.. via Tom Delonge. You said they would certainly expel you for revealing that information but OMG you wished you could say more. I took that as certain proof.) We downed Bailey's until we were sick and watched the Ali G show, surrounded by silence on all four sides of a luxury trailer in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by forty horses. Occasionally we heard dogs barking, stirring a fear in us that there could be a horse thief around. That night I felt close to the stars, to the edge of the universe, and just grateful to share that sense of wonder with you.
I remember driving, to Greensboro, to Salisbury, to Winston, to Charlotte with you, trying to knit our pasts together into a common future. We met in Starbucks, in parking lots, just to talk. To not feel alone.
I remember one time I drove to your house from graduate school during a rough semester and I crashed on your bed, ill with an oncoming cold. You fed me chicken soup, tucked me in, then proceeded to study for music finals all night.
That was your way - so diligent, so disciplined, so giving.
One time I got mad at you because you bolted out of my Salisbury apartment room late at night and disappeared out of a darkened threshold to save someone you thought was calling for help. I didn't realize what you were doing at the time, as I never heard the call, and when you returned I was confused and bewildered.
I remember when you started your vigilante work and began looking to track down local drug dealers, staking them out in your car until local police told you to quit. White knight complex? Maybe. But you always followed through, and you were always genuine in your convictions. You bought that weighted police vest and ran miles and miles with it on so that one day you might join the armed forces as an officer. You just wanted to help.
We could never get it together to be together. Was it your Capricorn sun and my Sagittarius that were at odds? Was it poor timing?
You used to hate cats. It was a sticking point for us, one we actually fought over. Then suddenly, just a few months ago this past year, you sent me a photo of a little black kitten and told me that you'd fallen in love. This little animal soul was one you took care of and made you a cat convert, and that is when I realized how much you'd changed and grown.
You always saw me better than I saw myself and I always knew, no matter what, that you were in my corner. You so very seldom meet people like this, and I didn't realize what I'd lost until you were gone. We hadn't talked frequently over the last few years, but you always seemed to reach out just when I needed a little drop of inspiration or encouragement. You would say things like "I wish people were motivated like you Jessica. You go after things that you want and you have passion and drive." When I despaired at being less than I wanted to be, you always believed I could do anything I dreamed of. I wish I realized what you were going through, to give back some of the sunshine you always felt inspired to bestow upon me.
I'm not going to lie, this was a hard one for me to wrap my heart around. I've debated saying more on the following subject, but I'm tired of holding all of this pain in my heart. I admit to have had so much anger in my heart because people used to bully me/us, speculating about your orientation, speculating garbage for one reason or another. I found that the gossip at school was especially toxic, and I can't sugarcoat or gloss over how damaging it was to have people engage that way about our relationship and about you. I can handle people being mean to me, but not to you.
I know you wouldn't want me to hate, so I won't. Again, I find myself working through that forgiveness. My hope is that after all this time, people will understand just how special of a human you were, that I will accept that we are all young once, and we say things that we don't mean. I will understand that time changes people, that we can't all be loved and understood by everyone. That the love that I had for you and the sincere friendship that blossomed within our years of knowing one another does indeed defeat the fear, the sadness, the anger and confusion of youth.
I hope you are at peace, wherever in the cosmos you have landed. It is strange, as someone not entirely religious, to consider you to be with the angels, but I know that you believed in God so I hope this is your experience. Regardless, I hope your soul's journey forward is an adventure, mysterious and delightful.
You are a once in a lifetime friend, Matthew Newton. You inspire me to be better than I am.
---
I heard the news last night that an ex of mine passed away. It sounds so distant, so casual, so disaffected to say it that way. What I mean to say is that someone I considered to be a friend, someone I loved, passed and I can't cope.
I'm supposed to be at work. I'm currently one of the few lucky enough to be employed by the beautiful, fickle Portland film industry. I'm surrounded by the "cream that rises", artists and artisans employed because they are the very best at what they do. Today, taking a seat among them, my hands sweat and shake, my stomach roils, my mind wanders. The me from now feels a complete stranger to the one who knew my friend. My body is in Oregon and my heart, thirteen years ago in North Carolina. I've nothing to do with these movie stars around me.
My heart is with him on a dark starry night on a ranch just outside of Greenville, where we spent a weekend watching horses and talking about alien conspiracies*. (*We messaged recently on Instagram, right around Christmas. I told you I was so incredibly proud of you for reaching for your dreams. I couldn't help but ask/joke if you'd found out more about the aliens since joining the Navy i.e.. via Tom Delonge. You said they would certainly expel you for revealing that information but OMG you wished you could say more. I took that as certain proof.) We downed Bailey's until we were sick and watched the Ali G show, surrounded by silence on all four sides of a luxury trailer in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by forty horses. Occasionally we heard dogs barking, stirring a fear in us that there could be a horse thief around. That night I felt close to the stars, to the edge of the universe, and just grateful to share that sense of wonder with you.
I remember driving, to Greensboro, to Salisbury, to Winston, to Charlotte with you, trying to knit our pasts together into a common future. We met in Starbucks, in parking lots, just to talk. To not feel alone.
I remember one time I drove to your house from graduate school during a rough semester and I crashed on your bed, ill with an oncoming cold. You fed me chicken soup, tucked me in, then proceeded to study for music finals all night.
That was your way - so diligent, so disciplined, so giving.
One time I got mad at you because you bolted out of my Salisbury apartment room late at night and disappeared out of a darkened threshold to save someone you thought was calling for help. I didn't realize what you were doing at the time, as I never heard the call, and when you returned I was confused and bewildered.
I remember when you started your vigilante work and began looking to track down local drug dealers, staking them out in your car until local police told you to quit. White knight complex? Maybe. But you always followed through, and you were always genuine in your convictions. You bought that weighted police vest and ran miles and miles with it on so that one day you might join the armed forces as an officer. You just wanted to help.
We could never get it together to be together. Was it your Capricorn sun and my Sagittarius that were at odds? Was it poor timing?
You used to hate cats. It was a sticking point for us, one we actually fought over. Then suddenly, just a few months ago this past year, you sent me a photo of a little black kitten and told me that you'd fallen in love. This little animal soul was one you took care of and made you a cat convert, and that is when I realized how much you'd changed and grown.
You always saw me better than I saw myself and I always knew, no matter what, that you were in my corner. You so very seldom meet people like this, and I didn't realize what I'd lost until you were gone. We hadn't talked frequently over the last few years, but you always seemed to reach out just when I needed a little drop of inspiration or encouragement. You would say things like "I wish people were motivated like you Jessica. You go after things that you want and you have passion and drive." When I despaired at being less than I wanted to be, you always believed I could do anything I dreamed of. I wish I realized what you were going through, to give back some of the sunshine you always felt inspired to bestow upon me.
I'm not going to lie, this was a hard one for me to wrap my heart around. I've debated saying more on the following subject, but I'm tired of holding all of this pain in my heart. I admit to have had so much anger in my heart because people used to bully me/us, speculating about your orientation, speculating garbage for one reason or another. I found that the gossip at school was especially toxic, and I can't sugarcoat or gloss over how damaging it was to have people engage that way about our relationship and about you. I can handle people being mean to me, but not to you.
I know you wouldn't want me to hate, so I won't. Again, I find myself working through that forgiveness. My hope is that after all this time, people will understand just how special of a human you were, that I will accept that we are all young once, and we say things that we don't mean. I will understand that time changes people, that we can't all be loved and understood by everyone. That the love that I had for you and the sincere friendship that blossomed within our years of knowing one another does indeed defeat the fear, the sadness, the anger and confusion of youth.
I hope you are at peace, wherever in the cosmos you have landed. It is strange, as someone not entirely religious, to consider you to be with the angels, but I know that you believed in God so I hope this is your experience. Regardless, I hope your soul's journey forward is an adventure, mysterious and delightful.
You are a once in a lifetime friend, Matthew Newton. You inspire me to be better than I am.
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