Jessica's Adventures (Battles) in Slumberland (and how it's made me crazy)

I only wish my sleep problems had to do with my bed growing elastic legs.  But mostly I have to say that I have a thesis that sleep irregularities are tied completely to hormone distrubution and mood regulation, and that by monitoring one you may be able to prevent or at least monitor disturbances in the other.

I mean it makes sense that the triggers and regulators in the hypothalamus would be evenly distributed and related to both mood and sleep in turns, but I have better "evidence" than just hypothesis.

When I was very small, I suffered a slew of actual Night Terrors: including but not limited to hallucinations, inability to tell whether I was awake or dreaming, trouble waking up out of particularly terrifying nightmares and trouble falling asleep for fear of falling into this feeling of terror.  I had them all- the hallucination of the astronaut walking on my bedroom wall, the sensation of waking up over and over again but realizing that something was amiss in my bedroom and that it wasn't really my bedroom, the nightmares of waking up in the middle of the night, seeing a light on in the kitchen and coming upon a version of my mother who was not my mother, perhaps a mother akin to the button-eyed Coraline parents in Coraline's alternate dimension through the locked door, realizing there was something terribly wrong with her when she would not turn on the light or turn around to look at me, and when I attempt to open my mouth a bubble forms around my voice to lock it in place (Thanks to Disney's Little Mermaid!) making sure I cannot scream, and then the absolute TERROR at the idea of falling asleep and having to deal with any one of these or all of them.

Yes I remember these.  Yes they happened all between the ages of 2 and 4.  Bizarre I know.

These are not what made me crazy.  These are what made me creative.

However, when I grew older, we realized that I had a severe hormone imbalance which had to be placated by trips to the doctor, once every three months, then once a month, then once every six months, from the years between ages 6 and 10, in order to receive growth hormone shots, tests and copious blood withdrawel.  I was a veritable hormone guinea pig, due to the fact that my bones were aging faster than my actual body, and I was going to be lucky if I didn't come out as a midget.  And since it was the 90's when they were testing all of these prototypes, I doubt anyone thought through what these chemicals might do in the long term, but darn it if I didn't make it to 5' 2.75".

Fast forward through teenage years and early twenties to TODAY.  Where I have so far been plagued with an overwhelming sense that I am losing my mental faculties slowly but surely, mostly in regards to mood alignment and clear thinking.  I find myself struggling with simple word location, whereas my earlier skills in writing and composition and public speaking had been fairly formidable.  I suffer from periods of intense paranoia and anxiety, as if nothing I can say or do will put anything right, and that I must make some sort of snap decision RIGHT now or the feeling will continue to grow stronger and more overwhelming.  Hello severe social anxiety, inability to audition, inability to even study voice, inability to finish projects, inability to focus long enough to finish projects.  Not to mention several physical ailments.

I had a suspicion that this all had to do with a lack of sleep.  I knew it had to do with my hormones, but as someone who is suspicious of tampering with your body's chemicals by adding more chemicals, I haven't gone to an endocrinologist.  I also haven't gone because I've been dirt poor.  But now since I'm not dirt poor anymore, I have started experimenting with diet and exercise and a combination of things.  Things that I know help me are lots of cardio, a diet of high protein and a variety of fruits and veggies, sunshine (vitamin D), fish oil (Omega 3's) and lots of sleep.  I'm sensitive to almost any chemical in any medication, as well as caffeine, so I don't like to add those things to my body.

Cue new job where I'm consistently getting 5-6 hours of sleep a night if I'm lucky due to a commute.  Cue crazy mood swings.

The bags under my eyes are getting unbearable.  I buy L'occitane's fool proof divine eyes (don't ask me how much) because it worked on me last year.  This year it was barely making a difference. 

I hear from someone that melatonin might be a good way to go.  I pick up a bottle.

Oh.

My.

Gawd.

During the past 3-4 years, I also had had this suspicion that I wasn't truly ever hitting REM sleep.  I'd sleep every night for 8-10 hours when I could and always wake up tired.  I'd have trouble getting out of bed, not from feelings of depression but pure exhaustion.  I was lucky to string together several sentences after 3 cups of coffee.  Every once in a blue moon, I would have a really GREAT night's sleep and feel absolutely terrific the next day.  I would start to wonder if that was how it was supposed to be.  Like having good sex after you haven't in a long time.  It's like "oh! that's how that works!" 

So I start taking the melatonin and it's like... hellllooooo sleep.  I've been taking TINY doses because I don't want to be a zombie and I don't want to overdose accidentally.  I've been taking the pills and cutting them into halves or thirds or whereever I can get the knife to land that is breaking the tiny pill into an even tinier pill. 

The sleep is amazing but the WAKING parts are Brilliant.  I'm able to think clearly, fast, confidently and get a lot done.  The bags are starting to disappear.  My skin color is coming back to normal as oxygen returns to my blood flow.  My hormones are regulating themselves better and I feel stable and happier.  Physical ailments are appearing to subside.

So I'm bound to give into being a guinea pig on this a while longer.  I'll update more.  But I'm hoping sleep therapists start to really do some research to consider sleep and it's relationship to hormone production and distribution in the near future.  When I was a psychology major, I wanted to make that my prime focus (Sleep Therapy in general) because I feel that it has major psychological implications- the kind and quality of sleep you're getting, not just the duration.

Let's see what happens..

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